giggle pop

Dear readers I fear I have a horrible disease. As some of you know last year I was diagnosed with Ikeritis. I had been (the exact opposite of) suffering from it for many years and I was finally able to pinpoint why I lost all function every time I saw a picture or even thought about Iker Casillas. While Ikeritis has been an amazingly pleasant experience, I fear I have contracted a new much worse disease, it is known as Cristianorhea.

I showed initial symptoms a while back when I had a very brief fascination with his abdominal and hipdippal regions, but I soon realized that it must be stopped. I stopped it quickly, I took high doses of Xavi, Gago, Iker, Pupi, Riccy, Ramos, Raul, Gigi, Canna, Gonzo and many other supplements from countries such Argentina, Spain, Italy and so on. (all of which were taken with a teaspoon of course). The symptoms subsided and totally disappeared. I managed to go on day to day hating overly gelled, overly tanned, cry-babies who played for horrible teams. Through my regiment I managed to avoid the initial strain of this disease, lets call it the Trafford-Strain-Simplex-7.

In the summer of 2009 the disease Cristianorhea morphed into a whole new strain and I fear I contracted it. This strain is known as the Merengues-Strain-Simplex-9-Galacticos. While a much milder form of the strain and much more pleasant it is also much more contagious.

I believe these pictures were taken around the time I was infected


The moment I saw this giddy face in the Real Madrid kit I felt hate fading. He just looked, so…so happy to a be a part of our club. I mean it was his dream, his dream was not to play for some annoying club in northern England his dream was to play in La Liga for Real Madrid.



The grease seemed much less shiny. I felt less disgusting loving his manbags, his abs, his hip dips, his thighs. It was like all the grossness was washed away when he took off that red kit and put on the white one

I no longer wanted to look away, no longer felt like I should, it just seemed so natural. It was like when he put on the blanco there was a sort of footie baptism and all of the things I hated were cute little quirks because he was now part of a team I loved not one I hated.

Oh dear me, I apologize, all that gushing was the disease talking, not me I swear. You see it addles the brains, I think and say things I never thought I would. I know many of you have not been infected, some have a natural immunity and never will. Some were infected by the original strain and can understand me. Those with the immunity please be kind and understand the strife those of us infected endure, I don’t think any of us wish for this disease, all we can do is live with it and hide it the best we can. I know in the past I was critical of those infected but I now see the errors of my ways there are some lustings you just cannot help and you never know when they will strike.

I am starting a support group for those of us infected and need a place to discuss our oh so wonderfully wrong feelings. Please let me know if you are interested, we are not alone.

Are you suffering from Cristianorhea? Here are some of the symptoms, if you experience two or more of these you are likely infected. If you have been infected, I unfortunately have not found a cure. But I have not been looking too hard.

Possible symptoms
• You have a folder of “Cristiano Ronaldo” pictures on your computer, that you hide under another name.
• You wonder, can he really be that diseased?
• You ask yourself “straight men can wear silver hot pants, right?”
• You see him fall and you think “Maybe that was not a dive”
• You believe he just had ice cream and went LV shopping with Paris
• You think to yourself “maybe he will stop his epic douchbaggary now that he has joined Real Madrid”
• He moves closer to the “want to chase with whipped cream and file in your mind” you also plan to bring purell on this chase
• You find yourself staring hungrily at his hipdips, abs, arms, etc
• You start to think well he has a cute smile and loves his mom
And last but not least
• You look at this pic and you find yourself thinking “I so would” when you know its so dirty



*note* even though I have this disease does not believe I do not fully standby anything I have said about him in the past. Nor does it mean I will ever stop making jokes about him, nor will I stop thinking jokes about him are frickin’ hilarious.

This has been an interesting summer to be a Real Madrid supporter to say the least. But I think I finally have a grasp on my thoughts on our transfers so far. I am not going to talk about the amount of money spent, while an interesting topic, its just a different topic that I don’t feel like discussing right now. I know there is a lot of criticism of the club for the amount the club has spent and a lot of it is valid, but what I wanted to discuss is if we actually signed players that are good for the club and La Liga.

I keep hearing “its just a collection of stars and will never work” hell I was even saying that in the beginning, but there were a few players that when signed kind of seemed to fit the pieces of the puzzle together, mainly Benzema and Arbeloa. The signing of those two showed a focus on the future and not just immediate results and I will explain throughout the next post why I think that is the case. Keep in mind these are all just my crazy thoughts and I don’t pretend to be some expert and could be totally wrong.

I should start by saying I hate Perez and the image he is giving the club, RM is a great club with a great history and he is just setting it up to be mocked. If the Galactacos don’t win every game by 35 goals this season I am pretty sure they will get mocked and disregarded not something this collection of class players (new and old) deserves. Even if they win everything people will find something to criticize. But it is crap like that that makes me love the team more, I hate the politics in the club but in a way they set up the team to be the way they are on the pitch. If anyone watched last season our boys fought like crazy to keep up with Barca even though no one thought we had a prayer, and really we didn’t but they refused to give up and gave it a damn good shot.

When I first got into La Liga I did not have a team and I was very annoyed with Galacticos part I and figured I could never be a Real Madrid fan. Then I started watching the team play, how they were on the pitch was nothing like I expected judging by the actions of the club. They were just a bunch of guys out there fighting to win, living the dream of playing for a huge club and just trying to prove themselves as the best. In a way how Perez’s actions set up the club to be mocked forces the players to really fight as a team to prove themselves, and its then that they become more than a collection of stars, they play as a team the best they can with the backroom bs going on around them. I have seen a lot of players come and go, but that same spirit is always there.

Last season we walked away empty handed. It has to happen sometimes. I would be lying if I said I did not care about trophies, of course I do, and cheering for a team like Real Madrid you expect them. But when it comes down to it, my team does not need to win trophies for me to love them. After 10 years of cheering for Gonzaga I almost embrace disappointment. The RM boys gave it their all last season, everyone says what a crappy season they had, and yes it was bellow stellar, but it made me love them even more than I already did. It was downright exciting to watch as a fan and one I wont forget, though sometimes I want to (at least the first half).

Okay that is general thoughts. And to break up the post a little I will do a second one about my thoughts on each signing and my thoughts on who may and should go.

After weeks of endless prickles TSP was growing tired and timid. He was worried about his upcoming match against the USA.


His teammate Daahhhvveeed saw the worry on little TSP's face and decided to help him overcome his fears. Daahhhvveeed decided it was time to teach little teaspoon his secret weapon "the bitchface" Daahhhvveeed's bitchface was epic and known the world over. A few days before the game the lessons began.


The game was not going as planned, the USA was winning? it could not be, they were dominating the European Champions? oh they were. Now most of the USA boys are just wonderful, absolutely wonderful...except for one, the evil Landycakes. Landycakes had decided he had not filled his quota of douchbagary for the game and decided it pick on the little TSP. Landycakes attacked swiftly and shamelessly in a way that made even his teammates cringe.



After the attack the little teaspoon did not know what to do. He was feeling angry, but did not know how to retaliate. Should he prickle the evil Landycakes?? but no, the prickles were only for the ladies, the exclusive members of the TSP club.

What was TSP to do? Then like a sage, Daahhhvveeed appeared and said "its okay little teaspoon you are ready to fight on your own, just remember what I taught you."

And with that, TSP gave Landycakes the best bitchface he could. Landycakes may have won the game, but TSP won at life.


THE END.

All pics from daylife

A few weeks ago I posted my first educational post about the rare sex porcupine. This week you are in store for a math lesson.

I knew hottie Spanish athletes came in pocketsized like my little teaspoon Xavi. I also knew they came in medium size like cuties Sergio Garcia and David Villa. They also come in large like the always delish Iker Casillas and Sergio Ramos. However I had no idea they came in super duper extra large like Pau Gasol.


After my discovery of this 7 foot tall hunk of scruffy manmeat I started to wonder. So like any great scientist/thinker I started with a question, in this case the the question was “how many Xavi’s would be needed to make up just one Pau.” I now had a question to answer and I set out to do so, in the process I made a study of many others. This inspired me to come up with a mathematical equation that would make even Newton feel inferior. It takes into account both height and weight. I plugged a few of my favorite Spanish athletes of all sizes into this mysterious and highly secret equation and these were the results. This was a highly important and scientific study. I cannot predict the effects this will have on the mathematical community but I imagine they will be huge.

In order to get one Pau Gasol you would need the following amounts of these guys…
In order from smallest to largest

Andres “Casper” Ineiesta = 1.52
Xavi “TSP” Hernandez=1.46
Dahveed Veeyaa =1.43
Sergio Garcia =1.38
Sergio “THE” Ramos =1.36
Iker “Sexy Pants” Casillas =1.29
Fernando “Tobasco” Verdasco =1.26
Rafael “Biceps” Nadal =1.23

In interest of making my blog more about educational topics and not just half naked European athletes and sports in general this post is my attempt at a nature documentary. Today I will teach you about a mysterious creature with some very strong mysterious powers. Some women are born with a natural resistance to this creature, however, I like many was not born with such a resistance. I have fallen prey to this benign looking creature too many times to count. This creature is the sex porcupine.

Here are some basic facts on the sex porcupine

Other Names: Sexus Porcupinus, Xavier Hernandez, Xavalicious

Native territory: Barcelona, Spain also found in the general Catalonia region, Central midfield, Camp Nou, Gigglepop’s dreams and/or fantasies

Height: 1.70 m

Weight: 66 kg

Here is a photo of the sex procupine in captivity


General physical characteristics: Big chocolate brown eyes, pouty expression, perma 5 o’clock shadow, superior passing skills, superior free kick skills, Collects giant trophies

Defining characteristics: Perfectly spiky hair, Intense, unexplainable, incomprehensible sex appeal

Ways of attack: Beware of the sex porcupine’s spikies, or as the experts call them “prickles.” The prickles is the source of the sex porcupines powers and if you are luck you may just get prickled by them. Sometimes the sex porcupine is seen wearing an armband, this is when females are at greatest danger of attack

Be careful, while this creature may look harmless it makes up what it lacks in stature by a gigantic amount of sexy. The sex porcupine has been known to bath in random villages, here is a familiar image from the wild…


A special thanks to Lola for the photo modifications

I am sitting here, glass of wine in hand watching the replay of the Barcelona v. Manchester Untied Champions League final. This was a beautifully played match NO thanks at all to ManU, it was all Barca today. I have spent the day being the most avid Barcelona supporter I can be...for one day only. It is a rare sight seeing a Madridista cheering her heart out for the blaugranna, but I did it today. I am also a die-hard Chelsea fan, and did not think I could cheer for a team after the way Barca beat us to get into the final but here I am and feel like I should explain why.

I mean there is the obvious reason, being a Chelsea supporter and reasonable human being, I hate Manchester United. Not just because they are our league rivals, looking at the current squad it is filled with a lot of unlikeable players. Most of their players would barely be above average if they did not have the puppet master Fergie in charge. Not to mention it is pretty hard if not impossible for me to like players like Ronaldo, Berbatov, Vidic, etc. Mine opinion of course and so I am sure some disagree. Anyways this post is not about why I hate ManU, but that was a factor in my cheering for Barca.

While hating ManU explains me wanting Barca to win, it does not explain why I really really wanted them to win and why I was cheering for them almost (and I mean almost) like I was watching one of my teams out there. When it comes down to it there is a ridiculous amount of arrogance surrounding the EPL and the “English style” of play. It may win games in tournaments but it sucks to watch. Because it works well in tournaments people use it as justification that the English style is best and the EPL is superior to the other leagues. However, I feel like if you took even some of the best English teams and dropped them in to La Liga or Serie A they would be struggling a bit day in and day out. While they may do well being great teams it would not be sheer dominance that people seem to award them automatically. So when I was cheering for Barca today I was cheering for the beautiful game, La Liga, and Serie A.

On one hand I sit and watch Barca and think they should not be there and am gutted at the thought Chelsea is not. But as I have said before I don’t blame Barca or think they cheated or anything like that for how that game ended. I blame that d-bag of a useless man they called a ref and UEFA, but not Barca. Also as I have said before if Chelsea was going to get fucked at least it was for a team that can represent the beautiful game well. In the past few weeks I kept hearing bullshit comments like “well Barcelona can score a bunch of goals in La Liga but they can’t do it against a real strong English defense.” Well Chelsea’s incredible defense could hold them, and I take a small bit of solace in this watching the game today. As a Chelsea fan it makes me feel a little fuzzy inside knowing that my boys in Blue were able to contain Barca heroically and seemingly effortlessly and Man Utd was not only unable to do this but they were also embarrassed when they tried to. And yes it still hurts like a bitch knowing how well Chelsea played and knowing they should be there.

And the last reason…as much as I dislike Barcelona and always will, the current squad has some class players. Messi, Xavi, and Iniesta are just incredible and players I cannot help but have a lot of respect for them. Especially the later two they get out there and get the job done and done amazingly well…exceptional talent carried out with class is hard to come by. If you need proof look at Ronaldo, got the talent and no class. And let’s not forget the fuzzy heart warming comments of Pep dedicating the victory to Maldini.

For some people who seem to think me, and a lot others are bandwagon Barcelona fans because of today or just cheering for them because of some cute players that is far from the case. I know I was cheering for a lot more a lot more than Barca today and cheering against a lot more than ManU. I have no problems with anyone’s alliances in this game no matter what the reasons but this is why mine were what they were.

Oh yeah and man of the match Xavi does make me think dirty things…

*dries off spiky-haired pint sized Spanish ball of sex and places him back in pocket*

A while ago someone asked me to explain when I meant by “that horse at Mardi Gras” when referring to being attacked by animals. I figured telling this story would give you, my readers, a deeper insight into just who I am. So here it is, the story of how I almost got into a fight with a horse. Really I was defending myself so it is the story of how a horse attacked me and I almost fought back.

Let’s go back a few years, it was my first year of law school in New Orleans, and it was my first Mardi Gras. I figure I should explain the few days leading up to the equestrian encounter so you can understand just how I ended up wanting to fight a horse. It was Friday afternoon and a girl I did not know all to well yet, let’s call her Miss Jaco, gave me a call and asked me to go to a parade. Wanting to get in on this whole Mardi Gras thing, and never one to pass down drinking on a street I of course said yes. I get picked up by Miss Jaco, another friend who I will call “Limbo” and Miss Jaco’s boyfriend at the time, lets call him “Freddy.” We all head to the parades giant daiquiris (with extra shot) in hand, and start jumping up and down trying to catch beads and other cheap plastic doo-dads which I had no problem pushing children, bitches, and old people out of the way to get.

I learned after that first parade, I frickin’ LOOOVE Mardi Gras. It involves many of my favorite things: festive costumes, cheap toys, colorful things, drinking on the street, large drunken crowds, endless walking, and just general inappropriate behavior. Now most people from New Orleans hang out on the parade routs in neighborhoods, there is lots and lots of partying and not really any of that flashing stuff, thankfully. After the parades ended our little group wandered to one of our many favorite watering holes F&M’s patio bar. If you have never been to New Orleans or never wandered off of Bourbon Street on your visit let me explain F&M’s to you. We would often refer to it as “the black hole.” It looks just as sketchy inside as it does outside…and that is pretty damn sketchy. It is unwise to show up before 1am, and unheard of to show up before midnight. If you go in, it is a miracle if you get out before 6am, if you leave there before 6am it will only be to go to an even sketchier bar that will be open even later. It also has the most incredible cheese fries, they may be the single best drunken food on the planet, they are magical. We stayed there until god knows when, and I luckily ended up in my bed.

I wake up a few hours later, parades start early on Saturday, and we had to get there plenty early to get a good spot. So this day it was just me, Miss Jaco, and Freddy. We get our giant daiquiris, load up the cooler and head out. Spend the day at parades, wander various bars and then decide to go to a friend’s apartment, let’s call him “tool bag” in the warehouse district which is in proximity to the French Quarter. Now let me explain, I had not even come close to sobering up when I woke up Saturday morning, and I had started drinking almost immediately so by the time we arrived at tool bag’s apartment I had been considerably drunk for about 28 consecutive hours.

After drinking at tool bag’s apartment for a while the three of us leave and wander to Bourbon Street for the “experience.” We start wandering down the street and get a Hand Grenade (another special highly alcohol filled New Orleans drink, like the giant daiquiri). Bourbon Street is packed with people, crazy touchy people everywhere. I am kind of scared, very drunk and clinging to my friends and my hand grenade. We stop for a minute, and all of a sudden I feel something stomp on my foot. When I say stomp I mean STOMP it hurt sooooo bad. I start thinking “duuude, there is no way someone did that on accident, someone just stomped on my foot and I need to find out why.” So as I get over the initial pain I turn around with my arms out in my best pissed off pose and say “what is your problem” expecting to see some d-bag who stepped on my foot.

When I turned around it was not a person, in fact I had NO idea what it was. All I saw was a giant weird looking creatures face looking at me. I was beyond confused, and said quietly and intensely “WHAT ARE YOU??!!??” In a miraculous moment of clarity I realized it was a horse, not just a horse, a horse with a policeman on it. And I then realized my plan to push and/or confront whoever it was that stomped on me was not in fact a good plan. It was in fact a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad plan, and I scurried away confused.

The next morning I was woken up by the scent of a full hand grenade (we must have gone back for seconds) and was never in such pain. Not only in pain from a hangover, but also the intense smell of midori, and the ginormous bruise on my foot.
I learned many valuable lessons that night:
1. Mardi Gras brings out my fightin’ side
2. Horses are to be feared, and I still fear and avoid them
3. I am certain the horse intended to step on me
4. You can actually get drunk enough to not be able to recognize the most basic of farm creatures
5. Never fall asleep cuddling with full hand grenade the smell is hands down the worst smell ever when hungover
6. Any time I start drinking before noon usually ends both simultaneously horribly and hilariously
7. Miss Jaco ended up being one of my best friends and this was far from our last or most epic drunken adventure.
and I think the most interesting part of this all is that this story does not surprise most people I know in the slightest, and this was only night two of my five day Mardi Gras bender.

This picture is of a stuffed horse I caught at my third, and likely final, Mardi Gras…I took it as a sign that life always comes full circle.

As some of you may recall a while back I had a bit of a battle with a little squirrel in my yard that kept getting into a bird feeder. Well here is an update on the little brat. First off I named him Ronnie. Because like his namesake, he is annoying, ballsy, way too full of himself, and unfortunately good at what he does. Though, unlike Human-Ronnie, he is not doing step-overs, scoring goals, taking off his shirt, rolling on the ground, and banging prostitutes-- Squirrel-Ronnie is master at breaking into the damn bird feeder.

The other day I see him in the bird feeder so I decide to scare him away. I go outside he jumps out and sits on the ground and looks at me. Not one to back down to a challenge I throw my shoe at him. Squirrel-Ronnie dodges it skillfully and proceeds to chirp at me. Afraid of the ballsy little thing, and my history of being attacked by wildlife, I run back in the house. I glare out the window, now it is really on.

The next day I decide this is going to end once and for all. I grab a roll of duct tape and I duct tape the hell out of that bird feeder. The birds can still get in but there is no way Squirrel-Ronnie can get in, right? WRONG! For a few days I watch him try with futile efforts to get into the feeder, and laugh as he fails. But then what do you know, I come home from work and the cover (still covered in duct tape) is laying on the ground and Squirrel-Ronnie is up in the tree chirping at me, mocking me.

I am not sure what my next move will be, but this war is far from over.

Here is an old pic of Squirrel-Ronnie in the feeder.

Okay I am going to begin this with a little rant. Unless you watch American football, and even then, ESPN has to be one of the worst sports networks on the planet. The powers that be should stop these idiots from getting the rights to ANY sporting event. I am not going to even begin to talk about their champions league coverage, all I can say is THANK-GOD Fox has the rights for next year and PLEASE do better, not that it would be hard.
I am sitting here 11:00 on the first day of the masters, and there is golf being played. Am I seeing ANY of it, NOOOO? Nope, ESPN thinks they should just replay sportscenter fifteen times and start showing the masters when the day is almost done at 2:00pm. OH they are also showing NFL live, ummm WTF didn’t throwball end months ago? ESPN has about 10 channels they could show it on, but nope ALL are replaying their crappy shows. I am currently getting all my updates on the leaderboard (ESPN is not even showing that!) on the golf channel. Btw I think the golf channel has great coverage, and if they had the rights to the first few days of the masters (like they do with most tournaments) I would be watching live golf right now. Sorry had to get that out. AM I wrong on this, or is ESPN the WORST sports network imaginable?

On to happier stuff—FOOTBALL!!
Arsenal drew with Villareal and ManU drew with Porto in the first legs of their champions league quarterfinals. Barca dominated Bayern 4-0, and now I am praying for a miraculous Bayern recovery in the next leg. On one hand the longer Barca stays in the CL the more tired they will be in La Liga and the better it is for Real Madrid. On the other hand I do not want Chelsea to have to face Barca in the next round of the CL, and well I am also cheering for Bayern for the prospect of a naked Luca Toni, mmmm.

But the real excitement?!?! CHELSEA beat Liverpool 3-1 ATTTTTT anfield. I get happy chills even saying it. Fernando Torres scored in the first 6 minutes, but then it was one way traffic from the Blues. Two headers from Ivanovic, I cannot describe my love of him right now. Didi put a pretty one in as well, and also had a few other nice chances. Captain JT got a bs yellow card, and since he had one from a previous game so he is out for the return leg at the Bridge. Ricardo Carvalho *sigh* should finally be back, so he can help hold down the back line, and Frankie will captain (I assume). I can’t say I won’t enjoy Frank Lampard in the armband. Anyways, it was a great performance from the boys in blue, and I am beyond proud of them. It has been a tough season and they deserved this!!

The masters started today. I have not seen any of it yet (see above). I am of course cheering for Camilo, I bet he looks good in green, and he is my favorite to watch. However, I think above all I am cheering for Sergio Garcia, I want to see him win a major one of these days, and am sad I have not been seeing much of him lately.
Oh and I recently found out the tour championship is being played in Minnesota!! I am working on getting tickets. If I do, Camilo, Sergio, Adam, etc…prepare to be ogled. Mmmmm.

Apparently there is more than one breed of squirrel, I guess I knew some looked different than others, but I am told some are worse than others. I once saw a flying squirrel, now that was pretty cool. Anyways, there is a cute breed of squirrels who live in my yard, people say they are bad because they chew on houses or something. I always thought they were misunderstood with adorable little ears…until one made things personal. Anyone who knows me, knows I often have battles with animals and/or inanimate objects, and now I have been entirely outsmarted by a squirrel.

We have a few different bird feeders in the yard, and bird feeders can be pretty high tech, especially when you have many who want to eat the bird feed that are not birds i.e. bears, deer, squirrels. One of our bird feeders is especially tricky and I have never figured out how to open it. This bird house/feeder is designed to be super-duper anti-squirrel. It is on top of a long slipper pole, has a slippery roof, and the part you eat out of closes if something heavier than a bird on it. This feeder/house is also anti-giggle pop because it has some weird latch thing to open it that I cannot figure out how to open. Somehow one of the squirrels managed to climb onto the house/feeder, unlatch it and get inside. Now it sits in there eating the bird seed and every once in a while popping his head up and mocking me. I still cannot figure out how he gets in there and I still cannot figure out how to get in there myself.

The crafty squirrel at work...

I love mascots for food. Count chocula, the Cadbury bunny, Cap’n crunch, The hamburgler, Jared from subway, The trix bunny, Tucan sam, snap, crackle and pop …I could go on forever. However there is a breed of food mascot that I just don’t like when the mascot is the food itself. M&M’s, the tuna on star kist tuna, peeps, the chips a-hoy cookies and so on. I don’t like thinking I am eating the character that made me giggle on the commercial on tv.

I am sure many have seen the recent m&m commercial where the m&ms are in the grocery store and one says “ooh look we are on the guest list” and the other says “no that is the menu” and then they looked all sad. That does not make me want to eat m&m’s that makes me want to start a foundation to stop the cruel treatment of candied creatures that melt in your mouth not in your hand. Same thing goes for the chip’s a-hoy cookies…in one commercial they were driving and singing it is not right to eat something that drives and sings. And Mr. Peanut? He is like the classiest mofo out there, you can’t eat him that would be like eating the dude from monopoly or some English Duke. Just not right, not right at all.



On the other hand food mascots like count chocula and cap’n crunch are just awesome. You could sail the high seas with the cap’n and enjoy his cereal along the way. You could go on a crime spree with the hamburgler, get chased by a mob of children with the trix bunny while he plots to get his precious cereal back. But you would never eat your treat providing comrades, and if you did, well you would be put in food jail.

So next time those advertising fascists want you to eat the creature you just enjoyed watching on tv just say no.