Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dear readers I fear I have a horrible disease. As some of you know last year I was diagnosed with Ikeritis. I had been (the exact opposite of) suffering from it for many years and I was finally able to pinpoint why I lost all function every time I saw a picture or even thought about Iker Casillas. While Ikeritis has been an amazingly pleasant experience, I fear I have contracted a new much worse disease, it is known as Cristianorhea.

I showed initial symptoms a while back when I had a very brief fascination with his abdominal and hipdippal regions, but I soon realized that it must be stopped. I stopped it quickly, I took high doses of Xavi, Gago, Iker, Pupi, Riccy, Ramos, Raul, Gigi, Canna, Gonzo and many other supplements from countries such Argentina, Spain, Italy and so on. (all of which were taken with a teaspoon of course). The symptoms subsided and totally disappeared. I managed to go on day to day hating overly gelled, overly tanned, cry-babies who played for horrible teams. Through my regiment I managed to avoid the initial strain of this disease, lets call it the Trafford-Strain-Simplex-7.

In the summer of 2009 the disease Cristianorhea morphed into a whole new strain and I fear I contracted it. This strain is known as the Merengues-Strain-Simplex-9-Galacticos. While a much milder form of the strain and much more pleasant it is also much more contagious.

I believe these pictures were taken around the time I was infected
The moment I saw this giddy face in the Real Madrid kit I felt hate fading. He just looked, so…so happy to a be a part of our club. I mean it was his dream, his dream was not to play for some annoying club in northern England his dream was to play in La Liga for Real Madrid.

The grease seemed much less shiny. I felt less disgusting loving his manbags, his abs, his hip dips, his thighs. It was like all the grossness was washed away when he took off that red kit and put on the white one
I no longer wanted to look away, no longer felt like I should, it just seemed so natural. It was like when he put on the blanco there was a sort of footie baptism and all of the things I hated were cute little quirks because he was now part of a team I loved not one I hated.

Oh dear me, I apologize, all that gushing was the disease talking, not me I swear. You see it addles the brains, I think and say things I never thought I would. I know many of you have not been infected, some have a natural immunity and never will. Some were infected by the original strain and can understand me. Those with the immunity please be kind and understand the strife those of us infected endure, I don’t think any of us wish for this disease, all we can do is live with it and hide it the best we can. I know in the past I was critical of those infected but I now see the errors of my ways there are some lustings you just cannot help and you never know when they will strike.

I am starting a support group for those of us infected and need a place to discuss our oh so wonderfully wrong feelings. Please let me know if you are interested, we are not alone.

Are you suffering from Cristianorhea? Here are some of the symptoms, if you experience two or more of these you are likely infected. If you have been infected, I unfortunately have not found a cure. But I have not been looking too hard.

Possible symptoms
• You have a folder of “Cristiano Ronaldo” pictures on your computer, that you hide under another name.
• You wonder, can he really be that diseased?
• You ask yourself “straight men can wear silver hot pants, right?”
• You see him fall and you think “Maybe that was not a dive”
• You believe he just had ice cream and went LV shopping with Paris
• You think to yourself “maybe he will stop his epic douchbaggary now that he has joined Real Madrid”
• He moves closer to the “want to chase with whipped cream and file in your mind” you also plan to bring purell on this chase
• You find yourself staring hungrily at his hipdips, abs, arms, etc
• You start to think well he has a cute smile and loves his mom
And last but not least
• You look at this pic and you find yourself thinking “I so would” when you know its so dirty

*note* even though I have this disease does not believe I do not fully standby anything I have said about him in the past. Nor does it mean I will ever stop making jokes about him, nor will I stop thinking jokes about him are frickin’ hilarious.

I’m sure I will forget one or two, but here it goes my thoughts on each of the transfers and how they will fit into the team.



What can’t I say about Kaka, by far the signing I am most excited about. He is the definition of class, a great footballer, everything. It would be pointless to go on about how great he is and how great he will be with us. Can you really go wrong with a player like him? He is a class player and a team player he will fit in fine and dandy, kind of one of those players there is always room for, especially when we lack an attacking midfielder who is not injured by the blowing of a stiff breeze.

Like many I did not like the circumstances of how he came to the club because everyone knew his heart was in Milan and he only came for financial reasons (Milan’s not his own). But here is my take on it, Real Madrid has money to spend, they make a bid for one of the best in the world. Player says thanks, but I love my club don’t want to go. Should be end of story right? Club could just say no, but they want the money so they say bye-bye Kaka. Not an ideal situation, but the blame should not be entirely on Madrid.

Now that was a big signing, I think Yay there no way they are going to sign that thing Cron now….dun dun dun

Cristiano Ronaldo


What was it a week later? Yup we signed Ronaldo. That greasy, prostitute banging, overly tanned, tantrum throwing, toolbag was now going to fulfill his dream of becoming a Real Madrid player. Will he fit into the team? Well he is also one of the best in the world, and if he comes to play for the club and not himself also a player there is always plenty of room for. Basically same sentiments as Kaka, just take out the parts about being a class person, and only if he really plays for the club.

I had my doubts and figured I would hate him no matter what. Then at his presentation he was almost giddy to be in our kit, and it looked like it belonged on him. Since it really was his dream to play for RM maybe some of his cry-baby arrogant ways will be quelled and he will be an okay guy. I am still holding out final verdict, but so far gosh darnit I am liking the kid (and hating myself for it) more to come on my thoughts on Cris in next post :-P

Those two were easy, now I get a little more analytical.



Young player, tons of potential, just what we need. We need defenders, and I think it is better to go young and promising rather than someone already too established. This is one of those signings showing RM is really looking to the future, he may need time to settle in but I honestly think they will give it to him (this will make more sense as I discuss Benzema and Arbeloa). It seems like with the defense they are building they are building it with plans for the future and will take a few potential missteps initially.

Last time around we got Canna and Heinze both were good, but their age started to show and our defense has been pretty craptastic, not to blame those two by any means but it is time for a transition that will give us a team that can win championships with more than a 2 season shelf life. As you know Canna returned to Juve and it sounds like a deal is all but done for Heinze to go as well.



I admit this freaked me out at first. Early in the summer I was terrified that Higuain would be sold or benched (mostly from the Villa rumors), so naturally signing another striker freaked me out. Then it hit me, the plan is likely for the future front two to be Higuain and Benzema. He is one of the most promising strikers out there and also very young.

Since both Benzema and Higuain are so young and Raul is getting up there in years it will not be a problem to rotate the three. With two strikers up front they can kind of rotate starters. I would lean more towards starting the two youngins and sub in Raul or maybe the other way around. Raul brings experience so we need him in the games against teams like Barca but smaller clubs you can give the young guns the responsibility. It seems like they are planning to train them up to be Raul’s successor in a few seasons.

As for Ruud and Huntelaar. Well I think its time for Ruud to move on or be happy being a sub, we can get a decent fee for him, but he is getting up there in years. As for Hunty, he was destine to be gone at the end of the season or be on the bench either way only really brought half way though the season to fill an injury gap and then sell imo. So basically keep one of the dutchies and the sell the other pros and cons to both, but the future and a bright one indeed is in Higuain and Benzema. This is why Villa made no sense to me, a player as big and as experienced as him should be started every game and that would not be possible without benching a player that definitely should not be benched.



Yay an academy babe coming home! I kept saying, if we sign a good right/left back this whole experiment just might work, and my God Perez did something right. It is a little tricky because both Arby and the Ramos play right back usually, but both are very versatile and can play both as well as a potential center back. Their versatility and Pellegrini’s skills as a tactician that conflict should sort itself out. If not there is always jello wrestling while wearing Spanish flag speedos, that also solves problems nicely.

This is another signing showing a commitment to the future of Real Madrid’s defense and team as a whole and not just an off the cuff signing of a big name. Arbeloa brings in experience at top flight football mixed with a RM background and good skill, kind of the last piece we needed.

All in all we may need some time to gel, but it looks like this time around Perez was a bit smarter with his decisions, still quite extravagant and annoying, but not a complete idiot. This could all be wishful thinking, but I think this may work, it may take a season to really gel and I hope the club gives them the time. There will be a great mix of youth and experience and the fight the Los Blancos always seem to have.

As far as other players, I think the Dutch midfielders are gone this summer, and kind of happy about it. I loved some (Robben) but they never quite meshed in the team right. Some did not get many chances (VDV), but they also never took advantage of the chances they got to prove themselves like some players did (Higuain), and some you never even noticed when they were playing (Sneijder).

And I refuse to comment on the potential of Xabi until I have to accept it.

This has been an interesting summer to be a Real Madrid supporter to say the least. But I think I finally have a grasp on my thoughts on our transfers so far. I am not going to talk about the amount of money spent, while an interesting topic, its just a different topic that I don’t feel like discussing right now. I know there is a lot of criticism of the club for the amount the club has spent and a lot of it is valid, but what I wanted to discuss is if we actually signed players that are good for the club and La Liga.

I keep hearing “its just a collection of stars and will never work” hell I was even saying that in the beginning, but there were a few players that when signed kind of seemed to fit the pieces of the puzzle together, mainly Benzema and Arbeloa. The signing of those two showed a focus on the future and not just immediate results and I will explain throughout the next post why I think that is the case. Keep in mind these are all just my crazy thoughts and I don’t pretend to be some expert and could be totally wrong.

I should start by saying I hate Perez and the image he is giving the club, RM is a great club with a great history and he is just setting it up to be mocked. If the Galactacos don’t win every game by 35 goals this season I am pretty sure they will get mocked and disregarded not something this collection of class players (new and old) deserves. Even if they win everything people will find something to criticize. But it is crap like that that makes me love the team more, I hate the politics in the club but in a way they set up the team to be the way they are on the pitch. If anyone watched last season our boys fought like crazy to keep up with Barca even though no one thought we had a prayer, and really we didn’t but they refused to give up and gave it a damn good shot.

When I first got into La Liga I did not have a team and I was very annoyed with Galacticos part I and figured I could never be a Real Madrid fan. Then I started watching the team play, how they were on the pitch was nothing like I expected judging by the actions of the club. They were just a bunch of guys out there fighting to win, living the dream of playing for a huge club and just trying to prove themselves as the best. In a way how Perez’s actions set up the club to be mocked forces the players to really fight as a team to prove themselves, and its then that they become more than a collection of stars, they play as a team the best they can with the backroom bs going on around them. I have seen a lot of players come and go, but that same spirit is always there.

Last season we walked away empty handed. It has to happen sometimes. I would be lying if I said I did not care about trophies, of course I do, and cheering for a team like Real Madrid you expect them. But when it comes down to it, my team does not need to win trophies for me to love them. After 10 years of cheering for Gonzaga I almost embrace disappointment. The RM boys gave it their all last season, everyone says what a crappy season they had, and yes it was bellow stellar, but it made me love them even more than I already did. It was downright exciting to watch as a fan and one I wont forget, though sometimes I want to (at least the first half).

Okay that is general thoughts. And to break up the post a little I will do a second one about my thoughts on each signing and my thoughts on who may and should go.


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